im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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