I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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