Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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