my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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