Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
