Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
