it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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