Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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