I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
