Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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