can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
