Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
