You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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