I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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