I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
