i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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