Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
