I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
