Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
