I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
