By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
