Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
