Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
