The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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