y did u give ur computer a hand job?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
