wrigley field is MILF paradise
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
