Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I met the friendliest cop last night
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
