got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
