I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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