he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
