they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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