Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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