I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
