well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
