Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
