We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
