She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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