Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
