everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
