If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
