I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
