I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
