Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
