so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
