STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
