Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
