When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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