Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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