did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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