my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
