I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
