census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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