my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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