period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
