i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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